Since Brock was born, I’ve read lots of beautiful quotes about motherhood. Mostly in a quest to see if anyone else has struggled so deeply with what I see as a great paradox – of feeling tied down, yet freer than ever; terrified but thrilled; desperate for a break, yet tearful any time I’m away from my kiddo; overwhelmed yet grateful for (almost) every moment.
For me, no quote has resonated as much as this one:
“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone
See that? There goes my heart…
Why? Because for me, this is what it is, to be a mom. I had no idea of the depth of love, pain, joy, and sorrow I could feel. Or that, when my son cries, it would somehow physically hurt me. My own heart, walking around outside my body – that’s exactly what it feels like. It’s scary and overwhelming, and kindof fascinating, but I’m trying to get a grip on it.
I’m 19 months in, and it’s still a challenge. Sadly, my state of being overwhelmed often comes out in ways I certainly am not proud of: yelling at my husband, yelling at the world, generally freaking out. I’ve found that when I sound angry, I’m mostly just scared or hurt, and my brain doesn’t seem to want to communicate it in a more simplistic way.
It’s a pathetic state of affairs – perhaps compounded by multiple issues that I’ll get into another time. But for now, it’s something I’m working on. There are many days that I’m fine – and some days that I’m just not, and it’s not fair to anyone.
I’m a work in progress, I guess, like everyone else. And there’s much more to say on this topic.
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