Dear Brock,
I haven’t written to you in quite a while. A lot has been going on…
In November, just three months after I lost my job, your dad lost his. He’d been unhappy there for a while, and I’d had a hunch, but I didn’t really know it. I wished we’d looked for better jobs for him sooner. But we worked together to get resumes submitted, and in 6 business days, your dad had a new offer. Lots of prayers were answered. And your dad is awesome – he had many excellent interviews just in that one-week timeframe. Perhaps his best quality is that he’s always himself. Beyond his intelligence and skills, he’s unpretentious, and people like him. It makes him worthy of being hired.
Remember the importance of sharing your feelings with your future spouse. If you’re in a soul-crushing job, for instance, let her know and make a plan — together — for getting out before you
have to find an alternative. It’s always easier and far less stressful to look while you’re still employed. I’m so grateful to your dad for working hard to find a new position, and for taking what was offered. He’s putting a lot of effort into allowing me to be home with you, knowing that I’m only freelancing part-time. We’ve had lots of conversations lately about the value of certain life qualities over that of money. I think we’re making the right decisions; I hope you’ll think so too when you’re older and can understand.
As for your milestones: You started walking the day after Thanksgiving!! In minutes and hours, you went from walking 5 feet, to spanning 30 feet at a time. The next day, you tried to run. You’re moving quickly these days… trying to sound out more words… making your own little jokes… always changing. It’s such an exciting transformation, and the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever experienced!
Your dad didn’t start his new job until mid-December, so we were both home together with you for about a month. We had a small birthday party for you at our house on Sunday the 8th. And we took you on your first plane rides, so you could meet the rest of your family in Indiana. Together, the three of us left the mountains of Colorado behind the day before your first birthday, and flew through Detroit to South Bend. You giggled the first time you felt the airplane take off, and you loved watching the wing flaps move and the engines spin while we were landing.
You also had the worst day of your life, not sleeping for more than 24 hours – it was awful on all of us, even though you did fine on the planes. It scared me to see you so disoriented, though. I could tell you knew that you were seeing Grandma and Grandpa Miller in front of you — but at their house, not ours. I think this new context was just way too much to comprehend. You were so upset!
Sensory overload for sure… You were extremely overtired, and wouldn’t sleep in their crib because you were looking at all the books and knickknacks on a nearby bookshelf. When we covered it with a sheet, you went to sleep.
You’re always so engaged with the world around you, we need to remind ourselves to try to simplify what you’re seeing.
Once you got a great night of sleep, you did well for the rest of the trip. I was proud of you interacting with so many new people in such a short timeframe, and handling it so well.
We returned home to little Wellington, CO on Monday, December 16.
Your dad started his job on December 17. With him working nearly an hour from home (in Longmont), you and I had to start getting used to long days without him.
On Saturday, December 21, I was in a car accident. Just 5 minutes after having a flat tire fixed, I was on my way home from grocery shopping, and was looking forward to an afternoon of cooking for you for the week ahead. A girl with a previous history of seizures rear-ended me without braking. I estimate that she was going 50 miles an hour, while I was traveling between 20 and 30 miles an hour. I saw it coming. I was transported to the ER on a board via ambulance, texting your dad the whole way to let him know what was going on and where to find me. The girl who hit me went into a seizure after the accident. I regret yelling at her upon first getting out of my car… though I did go to try to keep her alert as best I could until some good Samaritans arrived.
I was so, so thankful that you were not with me in the car. There are many things to be grateful for; it could have been so much worse.
If you’re ever in a car accident (or similar circumstance), be calm in your response. Remember: The other person didn’t want to be in the accident any more than you did… Something caused it, and it may or may not have been stupidity on their part. Also: Don’t cause an accident out of stupidity on your part. Whatever’s distracting you isn’t worth it. You could cause that person lifelong pain – or worse.
On Monday, December 23, we took you to the emergency room with a fever of almost 104. I was terrified. And due to many stupid circumstances surrounding your dad’s departure from his previous job, we had you covered by Medicaid insurance during that month. I feel so much more empathy now for unfortunate people with no means, who have to use this kind of state assistance for the long haul. I can’t tell you how angry, humiliated, terrified, demeaned, and helpless I felt being turned away from Urgent Care with no treatment for you when your entire body was beet red from fever. And after driving 20 minutes to get there, in my broken car and on pain medications. I shouldn’t have even been transporting you that way, but I had no choice.
I barely remember Christmas. It wasn’t fun, but that’s ok. You were sick, and I was in pain. Though you did enjoy seeing the big, Radio Flyer wagon that Grandma and Grandpa Miller sent for you. You got so many great gifts throughout the month! The next couple of days, you were still not feeling quite well. You and I spent a lot of time cuddling, and you took great naps, so it was restful for me, and I needed that. I enjoyed our peaceful time together.
Today is Tuesday, January 7. I feel like life might be starting to settle down. Grandma Kathy is on her way up to help me with you for the afternoon, because you want to be held all the time and it’s killing my back. (Thank you for taking a long nap right now; it’s helping me greatly.)
She was a huge help this past weekend when I was in excruciating, constant pain. Today is better. And I’m finally — after replacing my car and taking care of you through the holidays — going to get to start treatment for my back. I hope it helps, not just short-term but in the long run. I want to be healthier for you.
I must say, I envisioned better circumstances than this, for turning 40 years old. Just 24 more days and my milestone will be here. I may be in nearly the worst physical condition of my life. It’s a difficult realization. My goal for the year will be to improve upon that dramatically so I can feel better, calmer, more “connected,” and healthier as I turn 41. We’ll see…
I’ll leave you now, as I think your nap is about to come to an end. I love you more than you can know. I pray that 2014 will be an improvement over the way 2013 ended. 🙂
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